I kept a little quiet for a while as I was in Woman’s magazine a few weeks ago, and it was REALLY embellished. So I kept my head down incase anyone actually read it! I wasn’t expecting to take up a whole page, I thought it would be more like a little corner, so I was a bit shocked.
Big northern one, you might want to go away for a bit as I share some (not all) of our secrets!
Here’s our problem:
- We’ve got rubbish sleepers.
- Little Dimples is still napping at lunch time, so doesn’t go to sleep until late, by which time I’m knackered.
- Now we have two kids, nap times aren’t available for a quickie at the weekend.
- There are no relatives nearby, so no accessible babysitting; my kids are fussy about trust.
- Little Dimples is still breastfeeding so evenings are tricky in terms of going out for a meal because that’s when she most wants milk.
- I’m co-sleeping and sometimes Little Dimples is very aware of there being no actual body next to her.
So you can see that in order to fit in sex to our lives, it requires some ingenuity.
But there is some ‘good news’!
- Whereas I used to get really grumpy without sex, I’m now more chilled about it. I think that I used to need it for intimacy, but I now get loads of cuddles and love from the kids, so I’m basically just after sex (sorry if that is shocking to anyone who doesn’t think that Mums have any libido left).
- Being over 40 has helped too, as I’m more confident in myself, and less nervous.
- Losing 2 stone last year and getting to a healthy weight has helped me gain more confidence
- My kids love a little old lady who lives locally who helps out with looking after Little Dimples when I work. So she is available sometimes during the daytime at the weekend.
So what are my tips?
Tips For Mums
1) What’s the minimum?
Work out what the basic minimum is and aim to hit at least that. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing; they’re probably lieing about it anyway!
Basically compromise between what you would both ideally like, any differences in libido, and reality. I know you’re tired, and I’m not suggesting you make it worse, but a couple of 20 minutes here and there per month aren’t going to make it much worse; you might be lucky, it might only be 5 mins ;o)
2) Be patient and adjust rather than complain
‘This too shall pass’ – it’s not long in the lifetime of a marriage to have to adapt your sex life a bit for a few years. Remember that this is about keeping your sex life alive in some way, and ‘a change is as good as a rest’.
Be realistic about the type of sex you are going to have. If your life is like mine it is likely that long romantic sessions are not going to fit in, maybe enjoy the excuse to have ‘quickie’ sex!
3) Plan it and think out of the box
Don’t complain about the lack of spontaneity, after all it can be fun to schedule sex and have the anticipation.
Don’t leave it to the man to make sure it happens. They aren’t going to be as aware as you are of the difficulties of fitting it in. So it’s up to you to keep an eye on your monthly diary and make sure that you can fit in at least the minimum with trips/visitors and your period (if he’s fussy).
If evenings hardly ever work out for you, think about organising for your kids to go to see a neighbour/friend/relative during the day for a couple of hours. Our excuse is that we want to go out for coffee for a ‘chat’ (which we do also do sometimes – now I’m blushing at the look I’m going to get every time I mention coffee to my neighbours!).
4) Find a way to cut down on the foreplay time needed!
Don’t be subtle. If he doesn’t notice the lingerie, perfume and the fact that baby went to sleep early, just be direct i.e. ‘Fancy a quickie?’ works well. (I’ve got some more posts up my sleeve to help with this!).
If you need a build up, then whisper something suggestive in his ear at the beginning of the day and enjoy the fun of ‘sexting’. By the time your chance comes you’ll both be up for it.
5) Don’t worry if it doesn’t work out
If you are managing to hit your minimum, then you should be able to have a sense of humour when things go wrong; i.e. the kids puke or one of you ends up snoring!
Plus you’re parents, so you’re probably tired, especially if you have young kids, so a degree of pragmatism is going to be needed. Make sure that you keep talking about it and don’t stick your head in the sand; you’ll probably find that chatting about your mutual tiredness and frustration will help loads. Perhaps go out for that coffee after all, just to get a chance to chat together and feel more intimate.
Tips for the man:
Often all you’ve got to do is ‘turn up’ and don’t mess up your chance at getting some sex!
Check out my post on what makes a man unsexy and my other one on what makes a man sexy and my top tips on persuading a wife that isn’t keen on having sex. I’ve written loads more about sex and being a parent here too.
Basically if you want sex, make sure she isn’t too knackered or feeling like a drudge, and don’t be grumpy/smelly/lazy in the last couple of hours of the day, because then sleep is going to look a lot more attractive than you. Plus remember that many women will need some intimacy, romance or affection in between as well!
What do you guys reckon? Do you have any top tips you’d like to share to help out other busy parents with fitting sex into their hectic lives?
Would any of these tips just not work for you at all?
How many of you find that because you don’t schedule your sex life in any way, it often doesn’t happen for weeks or months on end?