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Bullying


It’s hard enough to have felt bullied or to feel bullied, but it is even harder as a Mum to see your children become bullies or be bullied.

My stuff below might be at times difficult to get your head around, but I promise you that it works.

I’ve used it on myself and my past, where I felt that I was bullied all the way through school, and I have used it on my present day when I find myself being bullied by someone with a stronger nature than me.  Plus I use it will my children, especially my son Curly Headed Boy, who pretty much faced bullying from very young, but isn’t at all worried or bothered by it now a days.

This page is a great place to come back to when you want a summary of everything I’ve written and to get an overview to start with.

          • List of the original posts I wrote ‘back in the day’
          • Summary of the Concepts discussed
          • Summary of the Strategies to Employ
          • For all of the posts about bullying, click on the category for bullying.

 

Original Posts

Here are the titles of my blogs to date (but bear in mind that there might be more and I might forget to add them to the list!):

Bullying Pt1 – Always there
Bullying Pt 2 – Where Does Bullying Come From?
Bullying Pt 3 – Balance at Home?
Bullying Pt 4 – We Can’t Be Liked By Everyone
Bullying Pt 5 – Is there too much Like in your life?
Bullying Pt 6 – Do we really want to get rid of Bullying?
Bullying Pt7 – What is ‘Support’ and ‘Challenge’
Bullying Pt 8 – Why Bully?
Bullying Pt9 – Everyone Is a Bully
Bullying Pt10 – What on Earth could be the benefits?
Bullying Pt11 – More Insights into the Bully
Bullying Pt12 – The Bully Returns For My son
Bullying Pt13 – Ideas on Strategies to Empower your Kids
Bullying Summary of the Concepts
 

Summary Of Strategies To Employ

I’ve been blogging about bullying for ages, but it’s a complicated subject and I realised that you might be needing a quick summary on how to start tackling the issue.  Please bear in mind that you will probably need to read my other blogs to get the background situation and examples.

So this is a ‘quick’ summary.  With the proviso, that it is ‘quick’, not thorough, and there are different degrees of bullying, some of which are quickly resolved and some of which you might need some assistance with.

 

Step 1 – Deal with your issues first so you can be objective

This is an emotional subject and you are likely to either be upset because you are remembering what it was like to be bullied yourself, feeling terribly protective, or really mortified because you feel guilty that your child has been doing the bullying. So in order for you to deal with this, you first need to be able to see the situation clearly and not take your own baggage into the situation.

 

Step 2 – Stand back and have a look at the Support/Challenge balance in their life

  •  If your child is being ‘bullied’, where is the support/ease/life going the way they like it? Where are they ‘popular’? Where are they getting their own way? Are they ‘over-protected’ somewhere?
  • If you child is the ‘bully’, where is the challenge/difficulty/unease in their lives? Are they feeling insecure, lacking in power, bored, or needing more freedom?

Step 3 – What are they getting from it on both sides?

  • What is your ‘bullied’ child getting from being bullied? Why do their so called ‘persecutors’ need to do it?
  • What is your ‘bullying’ child getting from the bullying? What are their so called ‘victims’ getting from it?
  • What do they all need to learn?
  • What is it directing them to do or not do?

Step 4 – Devise a strategy

1) Where can you help to re-balance the support/challenge in your child’s life? Does the bully need something to give them more security, or more clear guidelines/boundaries, or for a parent to back off, or for a parent to stand up for themselves more?

Does the bullied child need more responsibility at home, less spoiling, or more consistency and rules.

2) Help your child learn directly, what they have been learning indirectly.

Now my son is nearly 4, so I can have chats with him, but I also need to use things like role playing with puppets to get the point across. If your child doesn’t understand chats, then you might want to look for a media that they will understand for example a story/book/film/TV program that will initiate a conversation. If they are bullying they may need to understand the consequences of their actions, either with a form of punishment or a look at how it will affect them detrimentally in the future. How can you teach them the social interaction lessons that they are learning from the episodes?

3) Involve the school

Just because I don’t think that bullies are bad kids, doesn’t mean that I don’t think that the school should get involved. I don’t think that vilifying the bullies will help, or rescuing the bullied. However, clear signals an rules as to what is expected and allowed in behaviour at school is definitely necessary.

4) Create a plan of action & monitor it

Remember you can’t remove bullying from your child’s life, but you can rejig where it displays. So create a plan of action, and then monitor it over a period of time to see where it is and isn’t working. Get in touch with me on my fan page or via my website if you require any assistance.

 

Summary Of Concepts

I thought it might be useful to summarise all the concepts that I have covered in my Bullying Blogs for you guys.

(See my other blogs for the background information for these, you’ll probably need explanations to explain why these concepts work):

 

1) Labels are not useful and don’t fix anything.  In fact in some way everyone is a Bully, just as much as each other; it’s just that the majority of us do it in subtle or more socially acceptable ways.

 

2) Bullying can not be destroyed as it is a part of human nature, so trying to remove it is naive and will just move it to more subtle or difficult places to monitor; that doesn’t mean that it can’t be dealt with though.  It is therefore in all of our lives, the problem is when it is in a place or focussed so strongly that it causes distress or when the parents don’t know about it.

 

3) The objective instead is to understand the bullying and learn from it, so that it becomes something our kids don’t notice or that just goes over their heads.

 

4) A child who is being bullied will be being overly supported / protected / liked somewhere in their lives.  There is always a balance in our lives (although it’s often not easy to see) of ease/difficulty and support/challenge.  It can help with the resolution of the problem to look at the other side of the picture.

 

5) Everyone is both liked and disliked to an equal degree, it is impossible to be liked by everyone, but also more comfortingly we will never be disliked by everyone either!

 

6) The ‘bullied’ child will gain benefits from being bullied (the silver-lining), and if we can help them understand, appreciate and learn from this and the concepts above, then they do not need to feel victimised & powerless.

 

7) The ‘bullying’ child also requires some assistance (although I’m not against consequences and punishment either), as the reason that they are ‘bullying’ is to gain a supportive/enjoyable experience in order to deal with something else in their lives that they are finding challenging or because they need someone to put their foot down and give them boundaries that are lacking elsewhere.

 

8) An example of what the ‘Bullied’ child can gain from the experience is to learn to stand up for themselves, or to mix with other children who might be a ‘better influence’ or more suitable for them.

 

9) An example of why a ‘Bullying’ child does it, is because they need Power, Freedom, Belonging or Fun, i.e. they feel powerless at home due to under-dominating parents, or have lack of choice due to dominating parents, or are insecure about belong loved or belonging, or are bored.

 

10) The ‘Bully’ is not ‘horrid’ or ‘evil’ and the ‘Bullied’ is not an ‘angel’.  Thinking of them like that will cloud the issues and stop them from being resolved, which is the most important thing.

 

Now, if any of this pushes some buttons (and I would totally understand if it does, as bullying is a very emotional subject), please read my other blogs before jumping to conclusions.  I’m not just saying all this for no apparent reason and with no background.  It has come from 10yrs of studying, a 40yr lifetime of experience, plus being a Mum myself.  So bear with me, I’m attempting to help us all resolve the growing problems of bullying in the UK.

 

 
 
More posts:
 

Bullying Pt1 – always there

Posted on May 12th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 2 Comments

So, I'm planning on a pile of stuff about bullying over the next few weeks, as I have been motivated to tackle this subject by my 3.5yr old little…

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Bullying Pt 2 – Where Does Bullying Come From?

Posted on May 20th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 2 Comments

(I wrote this post a few years ago.  It's not looking at the more obvious reasons behind bullying, but more the energetics behind it) In life…

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Bullying Pt 3 – Balance at Home?

Posted on May 20th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 0 Comments

So do you share the load with your partner of supporting / challenging and being nice / mean to the kids, or does one of you do more of one than the…

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Bullying Pt 4 – We Can’t Be Liked By Everyone

Posted on Jun 12th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 1 Comment

Lots of us are very driven by what people outside of us think, and so it is important to us that we are liked. Other people are totally aware of…

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Bullying Pt 5 – Is there too much Like in your life?

Posted on Jun 12th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 1 Comment

So this post follows on from the previous one about the fact that only 50% of the world likes you at any one time! I was attempting to look at my…

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Bullying Pt 6 – Do we really want to get rid of Bullying?

Posted on Jun 12th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 1 Comment

So everyone is against bullying, and there are loads of people saying that we need to get rid of it. But is that really true? For one thing,…

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Bullying Pt7 – What is ‘Support’ and ‘Challenge’

Posted on Jun 12th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 1 Comment

So when I say that there will always be a balance of 'Support' and 'Challenge' and people liking or not liking you in life, almost as though there…

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Bullying Pt 8 – Why Bully?

Posted on Jun 12th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 3 Comments

Understanding why a child bully's and helping them is much more complicated in my view than the bullied, but still possible. As I've mentioned…

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Bullying Pt9 – Everyone Is a Bully

Posted on Jun 15th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 1 Comment

Oooh, that's a challenging title.  But bear with me. Some has just contacted me to say that 'Once a bully always a bully and once a bullied…

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Bullying – Pt10 – What on Earth could be the benefits?

Posted on Jun 15th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 2 Comments

So, if you or your child is being bullied, then it may just be in a minor form, and so it's not a huge button presser.  However, if bullying is a…

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Bullying Pt11 – More Insights into the Bully

Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 6 Comments

This weekend, I met a 'bully' and gained even more insights into their psychology.  I think that the important thing to remember is that each person…

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Bullying Summary of the Concepts

Posted on Sep 25th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 6 Comments

I thought it might be useful to summarise all the concepts that I have covered in my Bullying Blogs for you guys. (See my other blogs for the…

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Bullying – Summary of what to do

Posted on Sep 25th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 1 Comment

I've been blogging about bullying for ages, but it's a complicated subject and I realised that you might be needing a quick summary on how to start…

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Bullying Pt 12 – The Bully returns for my son

Posted on Oct 8th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 7 Comments

So, if you've read my other posts, you'll know that I was originally inspired to write all these 'bullying' posts by my little 3yr old being…

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Bullying Pt 13 – Ideas on Strategies To Employ

Posted on Oct 14th, 2009 - By MummyWhisperer - 5 Comments

So, I realised that I have talked a lot about what creates the whole bullying situation and how it can be addressed at home.  But I haven't gone…

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When the environment we are in doesn’t encourage us to blossom

Posted on Jan 17th, 2011 - By MummyWhisperer - 6 Comments

We are a bit like plants, and our children are too.  Some environments help us to blossom, and some are more of a struggle. Put us in the right…

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When your child thinks that ‘everyone’ is against him

Posted on Jan 21st, 2011 - By MummyWhisperer - 3 Comments

I've mentioned in a previous post that Curly Headed Boy is struggling with his first year at school a little, but we have a plan in place to work on…

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How Play Dates help with school and bullying

Posted on Jan 28th, 2011 - By MummyWhisperer - 1 Comment

So I have mentioned in a post a few weeks back that Curly Headed Boy wasn't very happy in reception (first year of school).  Last week I explained…

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When the second child is praised for it’s poo, the first child can struggle!

Posted on Feb 4th, 2011 - By MummyWhisperer - 2 Comments

I've done a few posts about Curly Headed Boy's struggles at reception, and the good news is that things definitely seem to be improving.  This…

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The Power of a couple of monkeys in giving security

Posted on Feb 9th, 2011 - By MummyWhisperer - 0 Comments

I've been sharing my tips for helping your kids when they aren't happy at school, as Curly headed boy was struggling (he has just started reception).…

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Giving your children confidence by focussing outside of school

Posted on Mar 15th, 2011 - By MummyWhisperer - 1 Comment

So I mentioned a while back that Curly Headed boy wasn't happy at school and had lost confidence.  I'm going to summarise all the steps I took to…

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Fibro fog

Turning my noisy head off

Posted on Mar 25th, 2011 - By MummyWhisperer - 0 Comments

Why do people have to disagree with us or have a go at us?  Do you ever wonder?  Wouldn't it be easier or nicer if it was different?  Or if…

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Which is better private or state schools

7 Tips For Helping Your Child Enjoy School More

Posted on Mar 29th, 2011 - By MummyWhisperer - 7 Comments

So Curly Headed Boy started in reception last September.  I expected it to be a bit tricky, but by the end of the first term he was no happier and…

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Dealing with online negativity

Top Tips For Dealing With Twitter Terriers, Facebook Furies and Blog Bummers

Posted on Jul 1st, 2012 - By MummyWhisperer - 2 Comments

I'm not here today. I'm over on the BritMums Blog with my summary about dealing with online negativity or bullying. Go check it out, because it…

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