(Sorry the paperback version won’t be out for a couple of months).
This book is for you if:
You are a little stressed.
Or a lot stressed.
It will keep helping you over and over – just as it did for me when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
It’s not another parenting technique book. This is all about YOU, the mum.
When you feel great you will either know or find the way to deal with your family’s challenges much more easily.
YOU are the key, and YOU deserve to be happy and healthy.
UPDATE FOR PREVIOUS BUYERS
HUGE Apologies – Amazon are being complete *insert very rude word*. When I published the 2nd version, they said that I then had to wait 4 weeks for them to review the changes before they emailed everyone to say it had been updated.
Then I asked them to just allow it to be updated automatically and not send the email. No that takes 4 weeks too. (It must be just a switch – argh!).
So I made the book free in the hope it could be repurchased because I found something on the internet that suggested it could be – but now that won’t work *very sad face* It will be available in 4 weeks :o(
If you have an urgent requirement for it, then send me a picture of the book on your kindle and I will email you a copy. mummywhisperer at me dot com.
UPDATE No 2 FOR PREVIOUS BUYERS!
YAY you can now update your old versions. Go to your amazon account and ‘manage my kindle’ and you will be able to update to edition 2.
I’m a big fan of your blog and practical approach, so wondered if you could help me at all?
I am 40 next week (!), mum of a 4 year old boy, who is in nursery 3 days and off to school in Sept. He’s lovely, mostly pretty good and generally very lovable and entertaining.
When he was 2 we decided to try and have another baby. It took about 15 months to get pregnant, and then when we went for the 12 week scan realised we had lost the baby. I spent a gruesome few days in and out of hospital while I “passed the pregnancy” and was pretty devastated – the 1st pregnancy had been text book, so I wasn’t expecting anything like that to happen. We decided to try again, but when nothing had happened after a few months I went to our GP, we got referred for tests. In June I was told that I couldn’t have any more children, unless we went for IVF using a donor egg, which would have to be done privately.
While all this has been going on, last year (before I got pregnant) I took voluntary redundancy from a job that I had grown to hate, and had knocked all the self confidence out of me. After a bit of time just being a housewife, I’ve built up a freelance client base, although I am now feeling that I have taken on too much. I’ve been doing a bit too much juggling, and trying to work when spending time with my son. I do squeeze in a couple of visits to the gym and a singing lesson each week, although I’d like to do more exercise and practise singing between lessons.
My husband runs his own business and has been really busy, which is great because that pays the bills, but we have hardly had time to talk about whether we go for IVF. We were on holiday last week but seemed to spend much of the time avoiding the big conversations and focussing on our son. Our sex was (for me anyway) totally focussed on having another baby, so has rather drifted off in the last month or so.
I have days when it’s fine, I have good friends and a happy life, and I can cope with it all, and days when I really just want to cry all day. I know I should feel grateful for what I do have, but I feel like I am still grieving for the baby we lost. I can’t seem to move on and worry I’m missing out on what time I do have with my son, whois growing up too fast. I have a spare room all full of baby clothes, cot etc, which just makes me sad, and I haven’t the energy to do anything with it.
Today is a bad day, and probably tomorrow will be better but how can I stop feeling so desperate and sad? On the worst days I want to leave my marriage, quit all my work and walk out of my life.
Thanks for listening!
Grief of losing a baby
What makes me mad is how blasé the world is about the loss of a baby – it’s like it’s some kind of renewable resource because ‘you can just have another’ – argh! I might not have lost a baby, but I do know grief and I do know that you need to be more gentle on yourself lovely as it wasn’t so long ago.
What a time of change for you. You are turning 40 and your son is going to start school soon. Just wait for the midlife crisis between 41 and 43; it’s a very important time in a woman’s life! You need to roll with the changes and try to not react to them. It’s more a time to watch and listen to yourself, than make sudden decisions.
In a way things will get easier when your son goes to school – so some of what you need to do is ‘manage’ the next couple of months and then enjoy the slightly more freedom you get when he is settled.
Re Not Being Able To Have Children
I was told that at 19 – look at what happened to me at 36 and 40! The key to my unexpected success (which would also help with IVF) was:
Pole Dancing lessons – girly, fun and spinning is good for the ovaries! alternatives would be belly dancing, salsa or something fun and creative.
Stress relieving stuff – you need to look at the grief and maybe get some help for it. I did a post about different therapies here and a list of my favourite books here. I’d also recommend my book (which is a bit cheeky I know!) but it helps with sorting out the things that you have control over, thus reducing your stress and enabling you to tackle the bigger issues. Plus I’m releasing the 2nd edition in the next 2 weeks and you should get an automatic update.
Look into alternative therapies – medical herbalism, reflexology and EFT would probably be the ones I would recommend to you to help with this whole process.
Take a month off from thinking about, discussing, or doing anything about becoming pregnant. You are on a ‘getting pregnant diet‘. You are NOT allowed to talk about it at all. Take a month off lovely, and when you’ve spent some time looking after yourself come back to it.
Then you can come back to it. Book a talk with your hubby out somewhere – maybe dinner or over coffee and chat to him about it. Think about adoption as an alternative (as I believe philosophically that those children have chosen us as much as the biological ones).
There are lots of time mgmt posts on my blog, but the book is a more polished version. You need to make a list, dump a pile of stuff that isn’t really important to you, delegate loads, and then do or delay the rest. With clients, you can spread them out more and be less available – don’t tell them it is to spend time with your son, just say you aren’t available.
Things don’t get easier when kids go to school, but I think that the one thing that does get easier is having a bit more time for ourselves and having the time more clearly ear marked. I recommend really ENJOYING this summer with your son. Sod the work – just cut back for a bit. Then pick it all up with renewed vigour when he is settled in reception.
It might not seem romantic – but book a date night and have some sex! It’s only been a month of it being so-so, that’s OK. Have some fun with it, text each other during the day to build up the interest. Sex for creating babies isn’t fun and often isn’t successful in my opinion.
No beating yourself up
Yes, we could all be more grateful, but don’t beat yourself up. If you read my book it will suggest finding 3 things a day to be grateful about. But I don’t want you to hide away the sadness and hurt. There is a section on writing down the problem and I would really like you to go for it and journal all your sadness. Then maybe follow up with a coffee with a really good friend. I so understand why you would be feeling sad at the moment lovely, and why you would want to walk away – it’s a natural reaction and not something to be ignored. Instead you need to listen to yourself more.
I’m sorry this is such a fast answer – but I wanted to get you something as soon as I could and I’m a bit stretched for time. But do please keep in touch. If things don’t work out with the fertility then I have lots of ways that you can get your head around it (although I feel that all you need is some time out).
I’d love any comments from my readers to let J know how normal her feelings are, especially stories where you came through the other side?
But you need some outside help from a professional, so where to go?
I’m going to give a brief introduction to some of the therapies that might help. They are all my views, based upon my experiences, so some people may disagree! However, the idea is to have a look and see which ones jump out to you as suiting you.
Available free from NHS if you can wait, or private.
Tends to be pretty cheap e.g. £40 per session.
Face to face.
But takes a long time.
Basically the idea is that you talk about stuff, so that you can dig down to find out ‘why’ you feel the way that you do. It is really useful if you aren’t sure why, and for some people just understanding can shift the problem.
The downside is that for others, they just get stuck deeper in the story of their lives and become more of a victim.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
Available free from the NHS if you can wait, or private.
Tends to be pretty cheap e.g. £40 per session.
Face to face or over the phone/skype.
I love CBT, it’s what got me interested in personal development in the first place over 20yrs ago. It helps you to tackle the thoughts that are running around in your head and look at life a different way. The idea is that by behaving differently we will get a different outcome from situations.
I think it is quicker, but maybe less deep and therefore if you don’t understand much about your thought processes/past it will be difficult to use it to get over bigger problems. Plus, behaving differently doesn’t always make people react differently.
Tends to be private and ranges from cheap to very expensive.
Face to face or over the phone/skype.
A coach is more focussed on the present and giving you goals that you can aim for and less about trauma’s from your past.
Be careful and thoroughly check their training and experience, as currently there aren’t any laws about who can and can’t call themselves a coach.
Some people use NLP (neurolinguistic programming) in the coaching, to help you. Simply put they look at how your language affects your mind and therefore your behaviour. I personally find it a little too orientated towards the mind. I prefer a more intuitive approach with a more feeling/heart centered objective. It can feel very manipulative, but it is’t without merit.
Normally private. Starting to get more expensive probably £60 or more.
You MUST get a well trained, well experienced hypnotherapist. But if you get one, this can be a quick method of going into the past and working out what is causing your pain and then dealing with it. Make sure that if they ‘remove’ a negative habit that they replace it with a positive alternative.
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
Private. But can be cheap and you can learn it yourself. Probably £60.
I suspect the usefulness of it depends on the experience and intuition of the practitioner and how comfortable you feel with them.
EFT has been around for a while, but I didn’t become interested until recently. I think that it has settled down now and is a very well established option. The idea is that by discussing our problems whilst tapping on certain meridian points (energy points in the body), it reduces how upset we are about it, then we will be able to see things differently and find a new way of seeing our life or tackling the problem. It can be very light e.g. just looking at a headache, or go deeper into why.
I learned a form of kinesiology 10yrs ago (Resonance Repatterning) which is very quick at dealing with people’s problems (I used to specialise in serious mental health issues). The body has a muscular on/off reaction which you can use to check what beliefs and problems you have. It’s great because it bi-passes your opinions and the potential biases of the practitioner, to make sure that you actually get to the ‘real’ truth really quickly. Then a healing technique will be used to ‘shift’ the problem and replace it with a more positive option.
There are several different options, some more structured than others. It can be a bit wacky, but very effective.
Normally private (dieticians might be free). Mid-priced around £60
It’s amazing what physical problems and some emotional ones can be resolved with the help of a nutritionist (better than a dietician in my opinion) or naturopath. The naturopath training is longer and more rigorous, but they are also more likely to suggest bigger changes to your patterns and they can suggestion supplements and herbs to help you out as well.
Never under estimate the power of a simple supplement, mineral, vitamin or herb. In fact if you start to take a few, I would recommend checking in with a professional to make sure that the combination you are taking is OK.
Private. Often after a long initial session, they can help you quickly and you only pay a small amount.
I’m a big fan of homeopathy, but it hasn’t worked well for me so far. You get a little sugar pill that is meant to redress the balance in the body and can help with emotional, mental or physical problems.
Herbalism has helped me a lot and is of course where modern medicine started.
Private. But normally cheap and you can learn it yourself. Probably £60.
Reiki is a lovely form of hands on healing where the practitioner gently touches or hovers their hands just above the body. It can help physical, mental and emotional problems. I became a ‘Reiki Master’ 13 yrs ago – it’s not that clever actually, it basically means ‘teacher’. I LOVE Reiki for it’s simplicity. But be warned, some of the people who do Reiki are mad as a box of frogs (in the nicest way!) and although it has improved, there is no standard teaching, so some people mix in other alternative therapies e.g. crystal healing and all sorts.
Please don’t jump to learn it straight away – take some time out for yourself first. If you do learn it, remember to focus on just yourself and your family first. Don’t run off to heal the world!
There are also other forms of healing. Some people are just ‘natural’ healers, i.e. they are born with or got the ability to give healing to people. Others are ‘spiritual healers’, which means that they believe they get help from other spiritual beings.
Private. Can be cheap if you find someone local, but expensive in salons.
E.g. Massage, Reflexology, Shiatsu Massage, Bowen Technique, Chiropractor, Osteopath
You could easily get a lovely therapist to give you a massage or reflexology session, talk through your worries and get a lovely relaxing treatment at the same time. This is a very viable alternative and helps support the body while you are stressed.
Demartini Method – this was the final therapy that I learned (I’m a senior certified facilitator). It tends to be more expensive, but very transformative and is based upon the healing power of gratitude.
Meta Medicine – a great method for discovering hidden reasons or potential events that had a hand to play in physical illnesses.
The Work of Byron Katie – A very simple method with just 4 questions, that you can also read about and use in your own life. I find that one of the questions reduces about 80% of my stress levels.
My advice is that we ALL need OUTSIDE help from time to time and sometimes our friends and family are not the right people to help us.
However, it would be unwise to ALWAYS rely on outside help as that doesn’t help to improve our self-esteem and sense of independence and self-sufficiency.
When picking someone to work with, they need to be strong enough to challenge you a little, otherwise you won’t be able to break out of your patterns. However, you need to have a good rapport with them and feel very safe and certain of them – that is probably the most important thing.
You are also looking for someone you appears to be pretty sorted, or at least more sorted than you are in the particular area of life that you are struggling with. It’s fine if they have experienced the problem, it’s just that you want them to be past it!
Another ‘rule’ is not to ‘overwork’ yourself. So don’t have a massage in the same week as a therapy session etc. Always leave time for you to adjust after a session.
I hope that this gives you an nice easy introduction to some of the options, therapies and alternative treatments that are available. You are very welcome to tweet/facebook me for more information or if you hear of a therapy I haven’t mentioned.
But I’m not sure that you want to know that I still have bad days? Or that sometimes I literally have to make myself read my own stuff to sort myself out? Or that this means that there is no ‘permanent fix’ out there? Is it more helpful to see a constantly positive image like Annabel Karmel gives?
So I’m having a ‘bad period’ at the moment.
Looking at the list below, it’s nothing major, it’s more the quantity. If I write down everything that has happened it makes total sense that I’m knackered, shattered, overwhelmed, and not sure which way to turn.
1) Constant side of back, shoulder and jaw pain – improving, but had it for a couple of months, and haven’t been as often to the Osteopath as I needed to go because family life ‘got in the way’ (that old excuse). So can’t run and get the escape I used to get and it’s affecting what little sleep I get.
2) Unreliable childcare – the lovely Nanny bets was ill, so the big northern one offered to cover my client sessions, then he couldn’t do it either. I’ve literally stopped booking client sessions until I can be sure of my availability, and I’m frustrated by not having had enough time to publish V2 of my book with a paperback version and get on with my new book.
3) Unreliable cleaner – it was only a couple of hours a week, but it meant that I had 2hrs that I could play with Little Dimples or not do 1/4 of the weekend doing chores. Don’t know what it is about me and cleaners, but I must have been through nearly 10 in the last 7yrs.
4) The journey to find a nursery – I must have been to every single one locally now, confusingly ranging from £14-£37 per morning. I was hoping for a cheap option in order to reduce the worry about paying for nursery, but ended up in tears just before the Jubillee after a rubbish settle; they didn’t introduce themselves to Little Dimples and only spoke to her for 5mins. When I asked how come they thought she would stay with them next time they just looked bemused. I’ve found a great one, but it’s in the expensive list and I still have the settles to do.
5) I’ve missed my mum; I’ve pretty much sorted my grief i.e. I remember her without pain, but it’s the best times and worst times that I miss having a Mum most. I’ve also not been chatting to my mates enough on the phone because I used to phone them on the way back from the school run. Last week I found my Mums favourite cousin had died; he was 88 and I saw him last year and knew I probably wouldn’t see him again; but I’m still very sad about it.
6) Of course I’ve been worried about Curly Headed Boy changing from private to state school, and there have been times when the nerves and excitement meant he’s had a few massive meltdowns. Little Dimples has not adapted to the new school run at all and I regularly have a screaming child on one of the trips.
7) I got a stomach bug, which left me exhausted and feeling nauseous just before the half-term.
8) I’m finding it weird adjusting to the northern one being a contractor as it means not taking a monthly salary and I worry that we’ll over spend. Ironically he doesn’t appreciate the fact that I don’t want to spend too much, so it’s not a popular thing to be worried about at home.
9) I just don’t seem to have the time to get all the work, family and to do’s done and it feels like walking through thick mud trying to get anything done. For example, we’re trying to work out what we need for our first camping trip, but the time it takes is ages (I’m making some Pinterest boards so that if you guys need help I can make it quicker for you). We’re worried that we picked the wrong tent and went to see another one at the weekend, but the horror of the ugliness of them all literally had me in tears ….. yep that’s the other problem, I’m like a walking waterworks at the moment. Plus I’m behind on all my health stuff – I need to see a dentist, reckon I need glasses and the old smear test reminder came through the other day. Just looking at my diary to see where I can fit them in is stressful.
3) I’ve been really lucky with treats for me and the kids from my blog, from a wooden trike, to visit to whipsnade, and outfit from Joe Browns for Britmums, an invite to both the Penn Festival and Just So Festival and a weeks holiday in Siblu france.
4) The big hairy northern one’s contract seems to be going well at the moment and there are possibilities that it will be much longer than thought.
6) Curly Headed Boy has just taken up Tap and Street Dance, so there will be lots more time for me to get some writing done on my book before the summer holidays. Plus, although it’s taking a while to settle in with the kids he’s loving the school and it’s making a big difference for him (more about that soon).
7) The nursery I’ve eventually found for Little Dimples looks really good and will take her straight through to school, with great gardens and lots of space.
8) I’ve loved the Jubilee parties, it was all great fun and felt very community orientated.
9) I’ve got a new pillow which has really helped and a new mattress arriving tomorrow.
It’s just going to be a matter of writing a list following my Dump/Delegate/Do/Delay motto and slowly working my way through all the things and accepting that I can’t click my fingers and make it better tomorrow.
But I’m going to make sure it’s better in time for the summer holidays so that I can have a lovely few weeks with the kids – that gives me 5 weeks to get through the list.
Are you feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or on the brink?
Have you already fallen over the brink into depression or other mental health problems?
I’ve got a plan to get you back on the first step of enjoying being a mum more and turning your life around. It’s a bit of an experiment, but worth a shot heh?
The idea is to get you to
Work out your Top 3 Priorities
Commit to them
Share them with a group
So that you can get an idea of what other people prioritise in their lives. It’ll show you how different we are and also give you ideas.
First step is to get you focussed on what you do want, which I call my ‘Life Priorities’. These are mine ….
Then use that to work out your most important To Do’s. These are mine …
The reason this works is because then you can use those to have more time, get more energy, make your house more comfortable and save money. Hence working on things within your control and reducing your stress. I’ve explained more about it here in my post about the Top 6 Steps to reducing the stress and overwhelm.
So to get involved …
1) Add a comment to this blog post with your email address so that I can invite you to Pinterest if you aren’t already there.
2) Then a comment with your Pinterest username, so that I can add you to the board.
3) I’ve added links to all the posts that will tell you how to
Pick your top 3 priorities
Use that to pick your top to do’s
How I survived my mental health problems
My top priorities
My top to dos
A link to my book
A link to a video about my book
How to read a kindle book without a kindle (they are cheaper books)
A BLANK picture of a yellow sticky for you
4) Then you can either add your own pin with your top priorities and top to do’s to show your commitment or use the blank one and add a comment to it
5) Check out what everyone else adds, because it will help you to see how different we are, or maybe fine tune yours
Are you on board? Here’s a blank one ready for you ….. Let’s go!
I’m not going to be shy about this, I’m going to say ‘PLEASE BUY MY BOOK!’ and ‘PLEASE TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW ABOUT IT!!!’
Why on earth should you?
Well, because it’s a fab little book packed with a big punch. I’ve had 35 Mums (and a couple of grans) testing it for months, and ironically it’s made the most difference in their lives than any of my programs, despite being the simplest. It’s like a ‘pick me up’ in a book. Simple is beautiful after all!
Plus it’s only 99p!
Yes, you might not have a Kindle, but I bet you have a computer/mobile device/iPhone/Ipad that you can read it on!
Plus, it’s not like the normal book written by a coach to give them credibility. This is a book in series of books sitting in my head, that I’m going to write in order to help change Mums lives and change the way society views Mums. It’s about bringing back common sense, listening to a mother’s intuition, the mother being the heart of the family, and Mums being important in this world. Parenting techniques and guru’s have their place. But not before the chance to help the Mum feel confident enough in herself to understand her own unique family set up.
But to be successful I need to hit a best sellers list. That’s the facts. To do that I need sales. And Likes. And Reviews.
Watch this video to get a flavour of the book:
What will you get from it?
A way to deal with life when you feel stressed and overwhelmed, without having to actually change your kids, partner, work, house or financial situation. A path back from the grey mundaneness of motherhood.
(And a free chapter on how to get healthy, fit and slimmer if you fancy it)