I’ve been a little quiet, a bit preoccupied and not as involved as before. Partially because I’m just plain exhausted. But mainly because I was at times bricking it and couldn’t bring myself to discuss what’s been going on.
One day I suddenly got a mega temp, to the extent that my hands were shaking, my lips went blue and I had to call a neighbour to feed my little boy. My baby was 8 weeks old. The next morning I woke up with a neck swollen like something from quasi modo and the inlaws got drafted in. I blogged about asking for help and how difficult it was for me.
But I missed out about the week after when I wasn’t better and the doctor said ‘I think you should go to hospital’ at which point I cried because I didn’t want to leave my baby. So she compromised with a scan, apparently looking for abcesses. The scan guy looked serious and suggested I see a specialist, but it wasn’t until the doctor said ‘don’t panic’ that my insides started to shrink. Then the letter arrived with the emergency haematology consultant appointment and after a few minutes on google I freaked. They were checking for cancer.
My insides screamed out in terror. Surely the universe wouldn’t be so cruel as to leave me assuming I couldn’t have children, then after a really tough time in my life, gift me with the two most amazing miracles out of the blue, only to rip me away from them. I can’t explain, apart from maybe to other mums how it felt. I wasn’t scared of the cancer or anything like that, I was just devastated at the thought of leaving my babies.
Ironically, I’ve helped people facing this fear in my role as the ‘mummywhisperer’, but it’s tricky to do it yourself without outside perspective. Somedays I just felt like crying all day, and others I tackled the fears bit by bit; problem is once one was dealt with, there was another sneaking around the corner to get me. Some days I got help from friends with the same training as myself. And it kept going on, and on and bloody on! Of course, that in reality was great, as the NHS have checked me over top to bottom. But it was also tortuous, as It could still change to bad news at any moment, even if then likelihood was that I’d just been hit by the most mega of infections.
Then came today, waiting in that corridor again with a lot of sick people, my kiddies and a friend. Today I had tears in my eyes as I hugged my baby girl, not out of worry, but out of relief. It’s all ok, I’ve got the official all clear. I’m so lucky. I won’t have to face what it feels like to be told that there really is a problem. Instead I’ve had 4 months of facing fears, clearing out stuff, detoxing my life and getting very clear on my priorities.
I realized as I sat in the sun this afternoon, that I’ve not managed to let go and relax for months, and I’ve become distant, not just from tswitter, blogging and facebook, but from the people I love as well. Today when I hugged my son and daughter I realised I’d been even a little distant from them, I wonder wether Willow’s sudden separation anxiety came from there? But tonight I feel different, closer, and more in touch again.
I’m still knackered from sleep deprivation, so I might still not be around the Internet as much as I was before, but expect to see more blogging from now on, however prioritised a little lower on my list than it was. Ooh and when I get a chance I’ve got something really exciting to tell you about my work, which came from all this clearing out and detoxing of my life!