I was infuriated this morning by listening to some chappie on the TV saying, ‘well you never know what was going on at home, maybe it was a sexless marriage!’; PLLLLEASE! That is such an urban myth, that affairs happen because the partner did something ‘wrong’. I’m not saying that something was not going on in the relationship. But because no one is taught what I’m about to explain to you, often the partner has no hope in hell of staving off the unfaithfulness of their partner.
Why do affairs happen if there is no bitchy wife or lack of sex?
Affairs are fascinating, as there really are reasons for them to occur, which explain what often appears to be totally illogical. Take the recent captain of the english football team, with a beautiful wife and family; is he really so vacuous that he is incapable of refusing a woman who throws himself at him? What about the famous golfer who appears to have slept with anything that walked, despite childhood distress when his Dad was unfaithful; why did he get himself into that situation?
The answer is a mixture of the points below, most of which you will never have heard of before (and I’ll keep blogging as well, to fill in the gaps and add extra information in the future, like why the ‘other woman’ gets involved, and can a relationship survive unfaithfulness). p.s. I’ve used the words ‘victim’ and ‘culprit’ and ‘other woman’ just as convenient titles, but that is just for ease of identity, I don’t believe that it helps if you consider yourself to be the ‘wronged’ person, and I will continue to blog on ideas on how to pick yourself up afterwards, whichever role you played.
1) There is ‘baggage’ in both the ‘victim’s and ‘culprit’s emotional lives about unfaithfulness.
Either they have been unfaithful and it’s time for them to experience the opposite, or they are still upset about someone being unfaithful to them. Often, I have found that the ‘baggage’ goes all the way back to the parents too and something that happened with them. This is one of the key problems for the golfer, because he probably vowed he would never be like his Dad, but there is tremendous wisdom in the saying ‘Never say never’. If we are unaware of the potential for being unfaithful, then we can easily get caught unawares. Often, when we then discover with horror that we have done exactly that, the guilt paralyzes us, and we ironically keep doing it, because we just don’t understand how on earth we got there.
2) There is a change in the ‘victims’ empowerment levels.
It can either happen because they suddenly become disempowered or ironically because they become more empowered. I bet this is particularly true of WAGS, because as they get more and more worried about their partner’s being unfaithful, they will become less and less sure of themselves. If they are not sure of themselves, then they are not sure of their value, and their partner will subconsciously pick up on that. When their partner picks up on the change they will either match it (by becoming more or less empowered) or look for someone else who matches what they used to be like. Because of this affairs often happen at what appears to be the most ‘socially unacceptable’ point in time, because that is when the ‘victim’ is most disempowered, e.g. when they are pregnant (very prevalent).
3) ‘The victim’ is not selling themselves to their partner in terms of their partner’s values.
Values are what we think are important in life. They give us purpose, and determine what we love to do and have. In fact they are basically what makes us tick. (If you would like a free ebook on values and how to start identifying yours and your loved ones, sign up for my free email newsletter). The ‘victim’ may not be being horrid, but it could be as little as just taking their partner for granted a little or assuming that they will always be faithful. It’s not very romantic to say this, but all relationships are a deal, where you show that your particular brand is better than all the other brands out there. I know what you are going to say ‘but what about love’ or ‘but what about vows and promises’? I totally know what you mean, but as a major people watcher and studier, I can ensure you that there’s no point in saying ‘but we SHOULD be faithful’, because that just isn’t the way life is, apart from a very small group of people who have an incredibly high value on faithfulness or loyalty.
Often, the person having the affair will have blamed all that is wrong in their life on their partner and assume all that is good is down to the new relationship or the high they get from the one night stands. So they definitely have a tendency to not taking responsibility for their lives and what they are dissatisfied with. Sometimes, they have terribly low self-esteem, and it would literally be impossible to pamper their ego’s as much as is required to keep them faithful. Or sometimes, they have been spoilt so badly, that they literally have no impulse control or are easily swayed by people who are more important in their values (e.g. team/work mates).
Now this is obviously a complicated subject, so I’ve just started by giving you a taster in order to help you understand the rubbish behind the urban myths around affairs. When I get a chance I will write some more, for example:
- Why it is totally possible to survive an affair and come out of it with a better relationship (if you would like to)
- Why it’s also OK to not stay in the relationship, but how to make sure you don’t end up repeating old mistakes
- How come you ended up being the ‘other person’ in an affair
- And loads more!