Oooh, that’s a challenging title. But bear with me.
Some has just contacted me to say that ‘Once a bully always a bully and once a bullied always a bullied’, which is what prompted me to write this post, which I’ve been meaning to get around to for ages. There is an ounce of truth in the quote that I was sent, but with a slight difference, which is:
Everyone is a BULLY.
Everyone gets BULLIED.
ALL the time.
AS much as each other.
Just in DIFFERENT ways/places.
Now that might be a bit challenging, but bear with me and I will explain myself!
The reason that I’m saying this, is because if you really want to transform the bullying in yours/your child’s life, then we need to start with a true understanding of the situation. From there, we can make a real change. After all, how depressing would it be if it was really true that you were labelled as either bully/bullied from the start and that was how the rest of your life was going to be. Things would be looking pretty miserable for me, that’s for sure.
Step 1: Define what bullying means to you
Surprisingly you will find that it is different for different people. E.g. general picking on to making someone feel unconfident/unhappy (my experience of school), name calling, physically beating, scareing someone (this is what happened to my little boy), taking things from them, ignoring them, making them do things they don’t want to do – oh the list is endless.
Step 2: Now have a look for where you have done that definition elsewhere
It’s quite likely that if you were bullied at school, there were at least a couple of incidents where you also ‘bullied’ (see your definition above), or stood by and let it happen to someone else. But keep looking in different places in your life, either then or now. For example, work, spiritual views, finances, physical health, social networks, family/relationships. Plus, it might not have been to the same extent or focussed at just one child, it might be that it was lots of little times.
In my life now I totally do that! I definitely don’t let Curly Headed Boy do what he wants to do all the time, that’s when he says I’m being ‘rude or naughty’! There are times with my clients, that I have to initially help them to see someone painful before we can move on. There are other times that my clients are a bit full of themselves and not appreciating their lives/relationships/work and my job is to bring more love of their life back, which requires me showing them how great those things are, and that maybe they are not the as much ‘the best thing since sliced bread’ as they think; you know we all need to be brought down a peg or too sometimes, for our own health! You’ll have taken promotions and jobs away from people, and affected the financial health of your family by deciding what could/couldn’t be afforded. There will be people that you didn’t invite around because you were not keen on their views. Do you see, how it goes?
It’s not that you had the intention of bullying someone. It’s just that they saw something that you did in a specific way, and therefore felt a certain way about it.
Step 3: There is an equal amount
If bullying or being bullied has been an issue for you or your child, then take a week or so with a big notebook and write down all the times that you/they have felt like a bully or like they are being bullied.
Admittedly the ‘bullying’ may always be coming/going to a particular person in a very focussed way. Whereas the balance/opposite could be coming/going to many different people in many different places. But if you can start to understand that it is always there, and always will be, then we can really help to transform it in your lives.
Remember at the beginning I said that bullying is always there. BUT you can change the way it shows up in your life or your kids life. That’s what I’m looking for with my kids. A balance of both me and my husband bullying him at home, so that it isn’t purely the ‘job’ of one person to keep him on the straight and narrow and give him boundaries. Plus a balance at nursery/school which doesn’t come from a particular child, but is generally mixed around all the children when they are a bit grumpy.
This is something that is achievable.
Plus it doesn’t make anyone powerless or a victim.
Plus once you learn it, it will stay with you, so it is sustainable.
So even if it is a little tricky to get your head around, I’d love it if you would have a go and let me know how you do.
My LOML bumped into an old school bully not long ago. This guy was a merciless bully to all the kids apparantly! Now, in his mid 30’s, he not only recognised my LOML, but appeared really changed, kind and friendly! Maybe he was fotunate enough to have had the love of a good women? xxx
Ah this might be a very old post, but it so few who had the kind of thinking!
I dont like the term “Once a bully is always a bully, and a victim always a victim”
Heck, people can develop as time goes by. It can goes both sides.
I can say this because i have the experience. Not all victims have strong moral view they got as a child, some are just… not that strong enough to keep that moral view
When i was young, i tried to grow up being nice because thats was christianity thought to, being nice and all, but kids are rude and sometimes using me to do things like pick up a food in a canteen for them. I didnt realize that was bad, but people around me called me dumb for doing so and even my . Yeah i was pretty clumsy though. Once i knew that, i dont think i could continue being nice anymore, i felt betrayed that people actually expected something from a kindess they have – contradicts what they (and we) had been teached. So theyre using kindess, if not then they are so stupidddd. What i thought is far from what the world does. It is a hypocrite world indeed
Now i just learned that i, sometimes (or most) had to throw my moral views in order to be recognized and not to be used many times. Show no emphaty like i used to and help people, i’m became egoistical and rude because that what society teach me into. Never like snobby (smartass) kids though from then into now, i dis but i ended up being also a bully myself – probably not realized suddenly. I think most people are on this side: most of time they don’t realize being one.
I was also sexually assaulted. The assaulter is a girl, she was also known very mean before, but now i’m really glad she developed into a far better person. For me, her being changed was enough sorry for me than her saying sorry. I’m happy for her being nice. It’s just i dont like the action of her before. Her dedication to be better, nicer person is what i hope from her.
. If i never say i never bully anyone then i’m a hypocrite . Bullying always existed, I dont know what to say about this positively, i dont think it will vanish, as people came with different backgrounds and views that also trying to fit their views (okay i dont know how to say about this) – but reduce it might happen. But to vanish, then never in this world that would happen..
Thank you for your comment ‘some indonesian’ – yes, when we are true to ourselves we can see the inner bully and the inner victim and that helps us to see other people more clearly as well. Take care of yourself.