Blimey, what’s going on with the celebrities this month, we have Tiger Woods and his addictions, John Terry and the girls desperate to become WAGs, and now Vernon Kay with his daft texts. I feel for anyone who discovers that their partner has been unfaithful in any manner, but I particularly feel for these women, as the whole drama will get played out infront of the media. It must be much harder in some ways, because they also have to face the most massive public humiliation. The only upside is that so many of their compatriots will be able to help out, whereas in a more ‘normal’ life these things are often kept secret. So as BabyNo2 is still preferring the warmth of my tummy, rather than the snow outside, I’ve written this blog, for those women who find it when they are in pain, to show them that there is a chance of a pain free future.
Lets play the ‘Society Says’ game …
- Society says that affairs are wrong.
- Society says that the ‘adulterer’ should feel guilty.
- Society says and the poor ‘victim’ left behind will feel devastated.
- Society says that ‘other person’ was a predatory horrible person.
- Society says that if you stay together the relationship will never be the same again.
- Society says that if you don’t, all your future relationships will be tainted by the pain of the past.
- Society says that the guilt and bad start means that if the affair continues, it will eventually dissolve disastrously.
Are you planning on playing a life like the game ‘Simon says’ from our childhood? Do you know how much conditioning of how we are meant to feel affects us? Hows about ignoring what everyone else says, and instead look for the potential that could come out from the events of your past? Someone once told me ‘Out of great destruction, comes great creation‘, maybe that would be a more useful mantra?
Now don’t get me wrong; I am not belittling the pain of feeling like your life is falling apart, or the shock of discovering that your partner is not who you thought they were. There is the feeling of being a total fool, either because you didn’t guess, or because you did, but were willing to be persuaded you were wrong. There are so many painful thoughts that go through the heads of the people involved, that I couldn’t possibly do them justice here. However, I don’t need to, because the market is jam packed with books and material about ‘victims’, ‘surviving affairs’, and pain, pain, pain, pain.
My plan is add to the less frequent voice of people suggesting that there can be opportunity, miracle, transformation and an extremely bright future once the storm has passed. The reason that I go for this camp, is because what I care about is that everyone involved in the affair is able to have a life full of potential, where they can see the opportunities ahead of them. There are the couples who could remain together, and go on to have a relationship which is stronger and more fabulous than before. There are the couples who could split up and go on to have the most incredibly relationship of their lives. There is the opportunity to mentor to our kids that they will survive even the toughest of challenges, so that there is no need to fear pain in the future. There is the shift in the people involved reminding them of their potential to create outside of the relationship as well. All of these opportunities will be stifled by fear and guilt.
I’m suggesting that this is possible, not just because it sounds like a ‘nice’ idea, but having had 10yrs of training, loads of clients, and my own experiences. Some people are able to achieve this all on their own, which is a truly brave and courageous feat. However, because of the heavy pressure of ‘society says’, many will need some assistance, and it might take some time. But, that time will be little in comparison to the amount of potential years ahead, so I thoroughly encourage you to be open to the fact that maybe it won’t do us any good to berate the ‘guilty’ or sympathise with the ‘victim’. I’ve used those terms in my previous posts I admit, so that I could win over your trust and hope that you would continue to listen to me when I got a little more controversial.
Now how I help people through this process is a little complicated to discuss in a post, but I’m going to give you a little insight into some of the steps involved.
- It’s important to be sure about why we feel guilty or are upset. People assume that everyone who experiences the same problem feel the same, but actually we don’t. If we dig deeper, we’ll find out that we have a very specific description of how we feel about it. (This is not about the story, but about the character traits or description of the actions of the parties involved).
- The other thing that blanks us is to imagine that we ‘would never’ or ‘have never’ done the same thing and that the ‘guilty’ party is totally guilty. What helps is to see that no one is ‘totally’ a particular characteristic in every area of life, and neither are we quite as perfect and untainted as we might imagine! Some people call this ‘reflection’; it is the theory that the reason one thing upsets person A, but not person B is because person A is reminded of themselves and by something they have done somewhere in their life.
- The next most vital steps in the process are looking for those ‘opportunities’ that I mentioned before. These are the ‘silver linings’ behind the clouds, and the reasons why we didn’t just gain from the experience, but when we look at reality, we actually don’t want to change the way it worked out. (Now, don’t throw things at me and say ‘how could you say that’; just imagine how it could feel if I proved it to you!).
Now, I don’t really think that you need loads more complicated detail about the steps involved, but if you would really like to know a load more about the methods I use, then there is much more in depth information on my ‘Dance of Life’ website and blogs, which are all purely focussed on the Demartini Method. I can also recommend a book called ‘The Heart of Love’ by Dr John F Demartini. I also recommend that you read the rest of my blogs under the category of affairs; there will be more to come too!
For the rest of you, I hope that I have opened you up your eyes to the potential of hope and an extremely bright future. You don’t have to fear it happening to you, because if you believe I might be talking sense, you know you will be OK. For those who have experienced an affair; It’s Ok to be a miserable mess or still held back from either guilt or pain, but if at some point you would like to have a future free of the past, I’m here to tell you that it is possible.