- I cried the last morning morning I dropped curly headed boy at nursery 8 weeks ago.
- I cried when I picked him up.
- I cried when I bought his school uniform 3 weeks ago.
- I cried when I cuddled him last night.
- And I cried when I dropped him off this morning at primary school.
Seriously, what a sap! Luckily he didn’t notice apart from last night when he said ‘but mummy, there are actually tears in your eyes’, said in his best scientific experimenting voice. Then he started wondering whether aliens had put them there and off he went on one of his little chats with me before bed time. As you can see from his picture above, he was fine this morning, if a little serious at times.
You know how you walk out of the house and know you’ve forgotten something, but can’t remember what? That’s how I feel. Some of the Mums today were looking sad. I didn’t see any other tears, but then we were going at different times. Some Mums where old hats at it, as they already have several kids at school. A few looked like they were skipping down the path on their way back from the class room!
So I drove home thinking, what on earth it was that makes my heart feel like it’s breaking. The good news is how fast the last 5yrs has gone. A very wise man once told me that the faster time feels, the more you must be doing what you love, and I really do love being a Mum. But the problem is that means that the next 5yrs will go fast, and the next, and the next, and he’ll be off away, followed nearly 5yrs later by Little Dimples. I can’t grab the time, I can’t hold it. When I got sick a few months back I realised that one day I would have to leave my kiddies behind, and it was a horrible feeling.
But how lucky am I. Despite not sleeping through the night for the past 5yrs (Little dimples took over where curly headed boy left off on the sleep stakes), a stone in weight I’d rather be without, lots of new grey hairs, struggling to juggle working and being a Mummy, I know I am just the luckiest ever. This life works for me, it suits me. It was blinking hard to come by and a bit of a surprise having been told so young that I’d never have kids. All my troubles (people don’t go into my line of business without some ‘life experiences’ to encourage them) paid off with a great big pay off. So, I’m lucky that I’ll be looking forward to picking him up from school. Some Mums are not so lucky. The pressures of what the world says they should be like get the better of them, and can create such a problem for their own identity that all the sparkle and love in the world literally gets sucked out. So these are ‘lucky tears’ really. OK, now I’m crying because I feel grateful that I was crying, seriously!
This afternoon, Curly Headed boy will be pleased to see me, and hug me just that little bit more tightly. A bit of distance can bring you together sometimes. I’ll remember that each time I drop him off and savour the chats in the car on the way to school, and the ability to listen to music on the way home all on my own for 15 minutes (little dimples still screams in the car, so she stays at home; post to come about that!). Even when he’s big, there will still be a little bit of him that is the baby, toddler or pre-schooler that I’m so desperate to hold onto today. I know this, because there are days that I would dearly love to have a parent to cuddle me.
Meanwhile, I reckon I’ve found a way to juggle work and mummydom much more easily; Oooohhh I have so much to tell you from the summer holidays, I’ve got lots of exciting news! So it’s time for me to wipe my eyes and catch up on emails and plans for the next two weeks. (Can you imagine what I’m going to be like when Little Dimples starts primary school in 4yrs time, I’ll need a whole box of tissues, not just one!).