I read a couple of heart-rending mummy blogs recently, where two Mums were asking for advice about their lack of sex life and wondering how come their partners appeared not to be interested. They were distressed because society gives off the impression that men only think about sex, so now they are wondering why their partner’s are not thinking about sex with them. I also read a fascinating article in the Daily Mail by a sex therapist, which offered some really simple start off advice, like just trying to hold hands and spend time together for a bit <click here for more>. Of course there are also many Mums out there who have totally lost interest in having sex themselves, either due to giving birth, or the stress of general family life.
Now, this is just a quick blog with some ideas to help out. I probably won’t be able to cover the whole subject in one go, especially as I have a 2 week old baby sitting next to me, who is bound to wake up very soon! So bear with me, and if I haven’t covered a particular scenario, just pop a comment at the bottom and I’ll cover it next time ;o)
Step 1 – What’s your priority on what to fix?
One of the blogs was from a lovely Mum, who has two little girls, and has been looking at loads of ‘problems’ like her weight, getting her inner sparkle back, going back to work, and of course her sex life. Having thought about her situation and how my clients like to tackle things, my advice is to remember that sometimes we can only sort out one problem at a time. It was a very wise actress/writer client of mine who one day halted my enthusiasm for her coming on another workshop of mine, by saying ‘give me a chance Lisa, I’m just sorting out this other area of life at the moment’! She was sooooo right. I might have workshops and services for any problem, but that to attempt to fix everything in a couple of months would be very disorientating for my clients.
So I also advise people generally to take their ‘fixing’ gently and just focus on one or two areas at a time. Little steps, will still get you there.
So list all the ‘problems’ you have, and then prioritise them; not in the order that you ‘should’ tackle them, but into the order of the amount of ‘brain noise’ they create for you. Also, look at the potential dangers from them not being fixed in the next 2 months, and then reconsider the order. For instance, if you are looking at going back to work now, then tackle that one first. But if there is a chance that your relationship is about to break up any minute, then put work on the back burner and tackle the sex issue.
Step 2 – Is the issue the lack of sex, or something else creating stress?
Now, from Step 1 you have a list of problems or issues. Have a look at them. Is it possible that one of them is the actual cause of the stress and lack of intimacy between the two of you? In which case, tackle that first and you might well ‘kill two birds with one stone’!
For instance, are you lacking in confidence due to your body image? Hows about going out and finding yourself a FUN exercise class. (Combining fun and exercise is much more effective, than just exercise). For instance, I recommend belly dancing, pole dancing, any kind of general dancing, walking with other mums. Do you need a hair cut? Do you remember to cleanse & moisturise your face every day? Do your clothes make you feel rubbish? Do you drink water every day?
Is it your husband worrying about his body image? Then hows about getting him into a hobby that will just take up a couple of hours a week, and help him to feel more masculine? My husband needs some time to himself every week, otherwise he will feel suffocated. Bike riding works for him. Others might like martial arts, or to go to the gym or to play football with some mates.
Is your balance of work/life/rest/play out of whack? That is, do you have any rest or play, not do you have as much time resting and playing? If you don’t get 1hr for a bath a week, then of course you aren’t going to feel relaxed enough for sex. Do you have any fun? We are not talking about quantity, but quality? Does your partner have any fun during the week?
Whatever you think the problem is, create an action plan for tackling it, and put a time scale to it. Now double the time scale to make sure it is achievable! Then it’s time to start, and each week have a look back and adjust your action plans if things change.
Step 3 – Make Time
Take your time, and make time is another good hint. Little things like saying ‘thank you’ or ‘you look great today’ or giving them a kiss goodnight can help. With the stress of the family, do you forget to look at each other in the eye when you talk to each other, because you are barking orders, whilst keeping an eye on the kids (don’t feel guilty, we’ve all done it!).
Is there a chance you could go out for dinner and just talk; don’t put pressure on to have sex, you are just aiming to chat and reconnect with each other. If not, hows about lunch? If not, hows about a take away and a bottle of wine? I know you are tired, but will 1hr really make a difference? Hows about getting a film and sitting on the sofa together holding hands, with some pop corn?
Step 4- Finances
FINANCES arrgghh, they are so often the cause behind lack of intimacy. The reason is because it creates stress, but also, it they are used as secret power weapons in the relationship. Now, I’m going to give you a big secret weapon in another blog, but there is some preparatory work for that, so if it is money that is causing your problem, then make sure that you have signed up for my free newsletter (don’t worry, I don’t send out lots of spam) and read the ebooks on values and finances, and listen to the audios.
Step 5 – Be Caring
This also needs a much bigger blog, and again if you really want to know how to switch on your partner’s buttons, then you totally need to understand how they tick and how you can press their buttons. But first, you need to get my introduction to values, which arrives free when you join my email list.
Here’s a couple of things to think about – being caring is not about doing things for people, it is about doing things that they like! BOTH women and men are easily turned on by appealing to their values, it’s a mental thing for both of them, not just men, and it’s a piece of cake if you know them well. But we don’t know our partner’s very well, we often just make huge assumptions (again, this is just the way that we are, so no criticism is meant).
Right, got to go, little pink is waking up. Feel free to ask questions for more information, but please don’t leave comments about what is missing from the blog, because there is bound to be stuff missing as it isn’t a book ;o)
- The secret weapon to stopping money getting in the way of sex
- What ‘creates’ sexual desire – it’s not what you think.
- How to tackle more indepth sexual issues