So many people I know have been affected by redundancy like us.
It is now a FACT OF LIFE and something that no one should be ashamed of (easier said than done).
This guest post is from a lovely blogging friend of mine Muddling Mummy. I’m sure many Mums who are having to work at the moment feel the pressure, especially when they are the only income. Maybe this is how many Dads feel too?
I’m going to put some ideas to help her out at the bottom, but I would love you to include your tips too or stories to show her that she’s not on her own.
Redundancy – 11 months on
This isn’t a post I thought I would ever write – both of us had assumed that, even though the jobs market is super grim, that he would find another job – he had a few leads, people were making positive noises and all in all it didn’t look too bad really
Roll life on another 6 months and it doesn’t look terribly rosy – whilst we can talk a good talk in front of family and friends there isn’t another job on the horizon and we are looking at going into another year with this hanging over us
People are interested in what is happening with him – they say how well he looks, ask after what’s he is up to and worry about how he is coping about this whole thing. Nobody ever asks me if I am ok, nobody ever notices the pressure that this situation has created for me
We are lucky that I kept on working after the girls arrived – partly because I wanted to carry on with my career, partly because we knew that two of us working in the same, vulnerable industry meant that having two earners gave us flexibility and the chance that we’d have at least one income if things got sticky. My income is ok, we can manage ok on it but we are seriously considering that I move back to a full time contract – the hard won 80% seems like too great a luxury at this stage and the money would definitely come in handy
I’m also having to face head on that it is my career now that needs to be pushed ahead – I’m having to have difficult conversations about promotion and starting to have to really push onto the career ladder. I don’t mind, in fact a small part of me relishes the chance, but I do regret that I am being forced into doing something that I am not quite ready for.
Again, nobody has mentioned that they notice that I am working longer and harder and that I am the breadwinner keeping my family together – I feel as if I get zero credit for this and all the stick from not fitting in with the largely stay-at-home mummy group at my daughter’s school.
All of this is made harder by my husband not having really picked up terribly much on the home front. Following Lisa’s tips for helping to deal with redundancy we spent a few evenings in the first grim week writing down ideas for things he could do in this unexpected break – we have tried to view this time as a sabbatical and a chance for him to spend time doing fun things. Again I am beginning to feel that whilst he has had an extended period of doing what he wants to, I find myself still picking up a lot of things on the home front and having to work harder – I can feel resentment starting to bubble up and his blank lack of understanding of the small, boring things that make up running a household doesn’t help
I honestly don’t know how to fix things – I feel as if we are on different sides of a widening chasm and I don’t know how to build bridges across – another part of me is upset that it has to be me that notices that things aren’t right and that has to fix this. That has to fix this on top of everything else.
Who knows how long we could go on like this – the job market looks worse not better than a year ago – I can see a future where I have to embrace being the sole earner, I have to really work at my career and I will be the one supporting the family but I’m not sure I can see a world where my husband changes his spots and starts supporting me emotionally and practically through that. That expectation gap worries me because I can see it slowly pulling us further apart
I just wish that someone, anyone acknowledged that this is hard for me too and gave me some credit for all I have done and am doing – it sounds selfish, it probably is but the bottom line is I don’t think we can carry on like this and I don’t want to be another statistic of a marriage that failed when a job fell away
Oh honey I know you were worried that you were being too self-centred. No of course I don’t think that. I just think that you are feeling unappreciated and stressed.
I’m so glad that you contacted me, it’s time to do something about this, because the resentment is bad news for your health and relationships. Sorting it out now before it all goes pear shaped is a good plan.
BUT, because I love you, I’m going to give you some tough love.
You need to stop being so blinking competent! You need to stop giving the impression that you can handle everything. I know you talk more honestly on your blog, but I’m less convinced about how ‘honest’ your mask is in real life?
I’m a good example of what happens when you ‘keep on keeping on’ and I promise you, you don’t want my Fibromyalgia as an eye opener to how much you need to take care of yourself more.
I wonder how many men feel like this all the time?
I bet loads of other women are feeling exactly like you at the moment; forced by the recession, debt, bills, divorce or redundancy in their other half to work more than they want to. You are not alone.
The good news is that we had exactly the same problem with the length of time before a job came along the first time that the Big Hairy Northern One was made redundant. This time round the search for a new job was a lot quicker, but that was down to a couple of things:
1) Our previous experience of how long it can take, so how important it was to get over the wallowing stage more quickly
2) The Hairy one’s openness to new ideas landing him a fabulous 4 day pw contract that is giving that ‘time out’ option at the same time as providing for the family.
So the ideas I have for you are to help you:
1) Reduce the resentment so that you can talk openly with hubby
2) Get the ball rolling on the job front.
To reduce your resentment:
1) Write 50 (that’s FIFTY!) reasons why there is some kind of benefit, silver lining, upside or something you are getting from the fact that you are the only earner and may potentially have to go back to work full-time. (Go deep, each time you find a benefit then ask yourself ‘and because of that I get’ or ‘and that means that’).
2) If you get too excited about working full time, then write 50 downsides to the fact that you are having to work, I want you balanced, not one way or the other.
3) Think long and hard (maybe chat with a mate too) before considering giving up your part-time status. It will be difficult to get back. If you are considering a 3rd child I would be very wary to give this up. Easier to cut back on spends and have a tight budget, than to give this up. At the same point in time having a career is important to you, and if you decide this is your opportunity to have an ‘excuse’ to go back to work full-time with a focus on your ambition, then go for it.
Chat with hubby:
1) Write a list of the things that you would like help with around the house or with the family. Facts work with men, so keep it as factual as possible. Avoid all statements like ‘You have done xxx or You have not done xxx’.
2) Tell hubby that you really need a chat about how things are going and ask him when and where he would like it within the next week. (Go out for coffee or somewhere else, not at home if possible).
3) Explain that you are overwhelmed, and how you feel. Not using the word ‘You’ in the conversation, i.e. not loaded at him for putting you in this position, just sharing whats going on with you.
4) The plan is that he listens, and you can then share your list of what he can do to help.
5) Then you guys come up with a plan of action of something that he does every day to progress the job search: contacting people, updating CV’s, thinking out of the box about options etc.
Next Chat with hubby:
Book to then have a weekly chat with him once a week in an evening, to see how things are going, how you are feeling and how he is progressing.
If at this point he doesn’t pull his socks up, then it’s time to get the frying pan out. No, I’m joking!
But it is time to do an ‘intervention’ and explain to him that he needs to get his act together and get a job. Sometimes being ‘nice’ doesn’t help people. Sometimes they need to be told sort their act out. Even if he is suffering for depression or lack of confidence, that’s understandable, but he needs to DO SOMETHING about it.
If there is no increase in support, and no change in his behaviour, then find a local relationship counsellor (I would pick someone with experience in CBT too and go private rather than wait for Relate).
I am not a fan of counselling, but it has it’s place. One thing is that it gives a safe place for you guys to talk about how you are both feeling, and the other is that it can help people HEAR things that they don’t hear when their other half says it. It won’t cost lots, probably only £30-£50 per session.
Tell me and we’ll come up with another plan!
But hopefully you’ll be all sorted and much happier by then!
Anyone else with a similar story to share or ideas for MuddlingAlong Mummy, we’d love to hear from you!
10 thoughts on “Problem Corner: When the Mum is supporting the family.”
Not sure whether you could do this, but I wonder if it might be worth mentioning hubby’s field of work in your blog post? A lot of people will read this on Twitter, and who knows, one of them might be looking for someone with hubby’s skills?
That’s a really good idea @winholidayhome – thinking out of the box and looking for opportunities everywhere is definitely the key to success!
I have been in a similar position to this, and I think that helped me most was to remember how badly my partner’s ego was affected by not being able to find a new job. Most people’s jobs are a massive part of their identity and it really makes you question what worth you have when that is taken away. I constantly felt lucky it wasn’t me that was in the situation. It has been a year of bickering and arguments but thankfully we are both now in full time work again although my partner had to take a £10k paycut. I felt really unappreciated and angry a lot of the time because I was making so much extra effort to save money and helping with job applications but was continually snapped at while friends and family offered no assistance but got a pleasant, seemingly happy person in return. I think it’s important to have your own space when you are feeling resentment and make sure you try and do nice things for yourself. Good luck xx
Oh totally @Tracey. Hate to say this though, but some men can wallow, and wallow some more and for a very long time (sorry for the HUGE generalisation to all my male readers). Sometimes it can be kinder to say ‘you are feeling crap, but now it’s time to smack yourself out of it’. You were very good to keep remembering the fact that his ego had taken a big bashing.
Your husband’s been very brave and realistic to take a pay cut – I hope that he understands that’s not to do with his value, but purely practicalities in this world.
Good idea for @muddlingalong to make sure she gets her own space and remembers to do nice things for herself.
Gosh, I am in a similar situation. Seems to be a lot of it about! I quite like being the main breadwinner for a change. My other half is pretty good at doing more at home whilst I’ve been working more, and has used the time to write & publish two books. We feel that in the current economy as long as at least one of you is working and the bills are getting paid then that’s doing pretty good. My children complain that I am working a lot but if I wasn’t then I reckon I’d be much more ratty with them and they’d complain about that instead.
Good luck to you – it sounds like you’ve got good foundations there, you just need to communicate more and iron out the domestic end of things a bit more.
@jae ahh interesting, yes it sounds like it’s really offered you two opportunities to try out different things. Check out my last post about how to make your kids feel loved … it might help you with those complaining kiddies. You are quite right, better to complain that they miss you, than to complain that you are miserable ;o)
It’s a really good point – sitting talking to a good friend helped me realise that I do need to remember how he is feeling and that this is hard for him, he’s used to having a certain life and having the social aspects that go around that and the changes in the dynamics are hard for him
I also don’t think he has realised how toxic his unhappiness is for everyone else – he assumes we’re all fine because we hadn’t pointed out that actually his misery was making us unhappy
Good point Jae – I guess part of my problem is that I thought that being the main earner would make it easier for me to focus on work and that could be really positive. I need to work on getting the household stuff more balanced so I’m free to do that (and free-er to find time to go out and spend time doing things I enjoy)
A quick update – we have had a very frank discussion on the back of this. He hadn’t realised I was ‘unhappy’ (have since pointed out that this isn’t unhappy but far deeper than that) – as Lisa says perhaps my fault for not letting him see how bad things were from my perspective
Hopefully we can find time over Christmas to work out how things will change next year and I can find the time to focus on the tasks you’ve set me. Will be back to update in the New Year
So glad there has already been some progress lovely! Keep at it – little by little. Big hugs