I received this very sad message from a Mum the other day.
Here is her question (you might want to not read this with anything in your mouth that you could spit out when choking).
Good day Lisa,
hope all is well with you and your family.
I just have a small problem?
My significant other wants to have a baby with another wommen, and wants all three of us to raise it.
You know that I’ve had chemo and radiation and six more months of preventive chemo, so what ever the treatments did took away my eggs and my menstrual.
I’m so weak in that department of men that I’m a little weak to throw him out! Im very upset and stressing about it, will u give me some advice? I know.I’m not on your pay roll and I apologize for that but will u help.me please.
My Answer (first the rant)
I hope and pray that me saying this will help you and that you will hear me.
KICK HIM OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!
Only a bully would suggest this to you at your lowest.
He is attempting to make you feel even worse.
He is NOT helping with your recovery.
There is something so twisted about this suggestion that he is very lucky that he lives in a different country to me, because quite frankly I would like to go out and buy an extra specially large frying pan and take it to him so many times that he is scared of kitchens for the rest of his life.
Although cancer has it’s causes in the environment and chemicals that we eat, there is undoubtedly a part to play with stress. You have just had the all clear. But seriously, how long do you think you would stay ‘all clear’ with this scenario?
My Second Answer (sorry got to be honest)
I’m pretty sure that this man is the reason why you lost contact with your daughters? Am I right?
In that case he SHOULD NOT BE HAVING CHILDREN anyway.
Children are vulnerable and are there for us to protect. In anyway helping this man bring a child into the world is just plain wrong.
You told me that you desperately wanted to get closer to your daughters and from what I’ve seen that is improving? Does that make you feel better?
How do you think they will react to this idea?
I suggest that if you don’t throw him out, they are likely to throw you out.
If he was a decent man, who desperately suddenly realised he wanted children, he would now be suggesting adoption or surrogacy, not ANOTHER WOMAN.
Picture this:
At the end of your life, do you want your children there with you, loving you and wishing you would stay, or do you want him? A man who has bullied, mistreated and abused you?
If you can get to the end of your life having broken the pattern of abuse, then you will have the right to be VERY proud of yourself, whatever else you do or don’t do with your life. You will know that YOU did it. You. The scared and frightened YOU. Managed something very difficult.
My Third Answer (being more practical)
Saying that, there are probably millions of women in your position, and it is not easy to leave or kick an abuser out. I totally appreciate that.
However, you have friends, and you have family. They will help you.
I’m afraid I don’t know much about the states, but I know that in the UK there are places that vulnerable women can go for shelter and help in your situation. There must be something similar in the states. All you have to do is ask, and I know that your twin will get onto google and find you somewhere.
My Fourth Answer (how to do it)
Right, lets give you some things to do to help you get in the right state of mind.
1) FACE THE FEAR: write down all the worst possible things that could happen. At the moment you are just paralysed by the fear, you haven’t actually thought through what you think will happen if you leave him or kick him out. You need to dig down into the fear and think ‘Ok, so this might happen, and that would lead to this and that would lead to this etc etc’.
2) Tackle your assumptions: for all the worst things have a look at them and think ‘will this really happen?’ (lots won’t), ‘if it does, will it be so bad, after all at least I will be free’.
3) Write 250 reasons why you are strong enough and will have a better life without him. Again dig deep think ‘without him it means that <abc> will happen, which will mean that <qpr> will happen, which will mean that <xyz> will happen.
4) Write 250 reasons why you deserve to have a good life and BE ON YOUR OWN FOR A BIT. You have very low self-esteem and a lot of guilt going on. You need to look at this in more depth at some point and tackle your issues. But in the meantime think about all the things you have managed, achieved and the people who love you. Think about what you could do with your life. Open your eyes lovely to the lives around you and realise that you could have such a life too. You have good genes in you lovely; it’s time to make the most of them and get your gorgeousness out into the world!
5) I suspect that you think that he has done things for you, so you ‘owe’ him; he will make you feel as guilty as he can. When he does that remember that he is MANIPULATING THE HELL OUT OF YOU! For everything that you think he did/gave you, write down what he got in return from you, until you can see that you don’t owe him anything.
6) BEWARE jumping into a situation were you are reliant on someone else. We aren’t looking for you to jump into any kind of ‘helpful’ or ‘rescuing’ relationship with someone else. The objective is to build a strong, new you.
I know it is very easy to say all this. But I hope with all my heart that you will hear it and believe me.
I’m sending you all the strength I can.
If you find the exercises difficult, then I know a certain person who looks just like you, with the same gorgeous freckles, who can get you through them on skype!
Keep in touch and let me know how you do.
(ooh and these books will help get you strong and deal with feeling down/depressed, plus you have my book don’t you – keep up the daily exercises)
Hi, I know this must be a very hard time of your life to be going through right now, your man should be by your side supporting you, tending to your every need not asking to have a child with another woman it is insane. When ever I feel like I need advise I always think what advise would I give my daughters if they were in this situation. So thinking as it from a mothers point of view, I would advise my daughter/s to get out of the relationship and let him go off to do whatever he wants so you can concentrate on making your life about you. I know leaving a partner and going it alone it not easy(I did it with 3 small children), I have been there but I promise you that it can be done and you will go on to find somebody who will worship the ground you walk on. I hope you find the strength and courage to stand up for yourself and get the life, love and happiness that you deserve.
That is a brilliant piece of advice @Joanne and lovely to hear from someone who has moved on and found it has really worked for them. Thank you for sharing.
I don’t mean this to sound as harsh as it will come across in black and white but plesae think about it an answer it honestly:
“Why are you with this man?”
I am in the minority of women when I say that I could forgive an affair. But I could. A one off, drunken one night stand if my husband came home and told me immediately. Prolonged I would not accept. And nor would I accept this. Being with a man in this situation who was being called daddy to another woman’s baby when born within your relationship?
I am really sorry but that just isn’t healthy when there is so much imbalance in the relationship.
And how is this baby going to come about? Presumably by them having intercourse rather than IVF? So where is that going happen? In your marital bed?
This sounds really harsh and believe me I know leaving somebody you love is very very hard but this man does love you as you deserve to be loved.
You deserve to be worshipped, adored and cherished. And right now this man is not doing that.
@MummyBarrow really practical advice thank you – it’s so easy to not think ahead as to how something would actually work.
You think you have no strength, but you have already been through so much and survived. Cancer surely must be a scarier thing to face up to than one selfish man who won’t put you and your needs first?
I agree with Lisa that if he really wanted to be a dad, he’d be talking adoption/surrogacy. He’d want a child WITH YOU, and you alone.
How would he have this baby with another woman – would it involve having sex with her? In which case I’d suggest this is just a sneaky way of asking your permission to cheat. It sometimes takes months to conceive. Are you happy giving him a free pass to sleep with someone else for an extended amount of time?
Does he have a woman in mind? If he does, I’d say he’s either attracted to this person or already having an affair with her.
Even if you got around the issues of getting her pregnant, how would the set-up work?
If all 3 of you were raising the baby together, how long do you think it would be before your man and the real mum started to push you out? If you disagreed on a parenting issue, they could say “you’re not his/her real mother, so butt out!”
I’m so sorry if I’m causing you pain when you already have so much to deal with. But you really should be concentrating on your health and your life – not worrying about him and this ludicrous suggestion.
Tell him so. And ask him to leave. Surround yourself with people who love you and have your best interests at heart.
It’s the least you deserve, after all you’ve been through.
The pain and sorrow you’ll feel at splitting up with this guy will be nothing to the pain you’ll endure if you agree to his scheme.
@Donna, I’m really hoping that the experience of surviving the cancer will show to her how much she can achieve and mean that it is ‘different this time’. I agree that he has probably already worked out who he wants to sleep with and that the situation will only get worse. I suspect that she wouldn’t survive it to be honest :o(
Seriously, well done on kicking cancers butt. X
You’ve got to tell him to get lost. Thats awful of him, like booking a replacement wife and mother incase you die. Its just nasty. Sorry, but thats my opinion.
Straight and to the point @Julie – great!
What an awful situation. What an awful man. What an awful proposition. Does this feel right to you? I doubt it does, then you have your own answer. (And I love your answers Lisa).
I came out of an abusive relationship – mental not physical. I would have thought I’d be above that sort of thing. No-one is, because these people are very clever.- they bide their time, gradually undermine you and make you think you’re so rubbish you can’t do without them. It’s all a lie. You need to be free of him and his cruel mental games, the sooner the better and you will look back to see this for what it is. Good luck with your future – it’ll be brighter without someone trying to ruin the life you just fought for – and won. XX
Such a good description of what it’s like @anya, thank you
When I read stuff like this I kinda despair at what sort of message this sends out what men are actually like? He ought to be ashamed of himself! If he wanted kids he ought to have approached the subject by talking about adoption, surragacy, fostering. But not this. In my honest opinion you ought to show him the door right away! With statements like that he does not deserve to be anywhere near you and you can do so much better than him!
Thank you so much for commenting Markus, it is wonderful to have our message underlined by a man so that she knows that this is not ‘normal’.
Here is the name of a book that helped me – it is about why men are controlling – I found it quite difficult reading but you can dip in and out of it and you’ll realise that it’s not you, it’s not personal, it’s him. I wrote about it on my other blog and Lisa has invited me to post it here http://oldersinglemum.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/why-does-he-do-that.html
Thank you for recommending this for her @Anya and linking to your post; I think it is really useful to read posts from people who have been through the same sort of thing.
I can understand using a surrogate, but to actually have the woman live with them, says to me that this man is very shallow and isn’t the supportive person she needs. To bring a baby into the picture when she is not even well enough to care for herself is again, pathetic on his part. She should chuck him out.
@alwaysaredhead great direct advice, thank you!!!
Here is a post recommended by Kate Takes 5 I happened to read earlier – says it all http://www.mommatwo.com/2013/01/domestic-abuse-isnt-always-violent.html
That is a brilliant post from Mommatwo thank you so much for directing us to it @anya, you’ve been really kind and helpful.
Ty to all the mommies that left your support and comment I’m so greatful to all of you it really helped me a lot I thank you:)
Ty to all the support from the mommies for my situation I thank you for all of your comments and advice and caring comments and thoughts they are really helping me a lot and I’m greatful to all of you.
We would love to know what you decided @charlette?