Agony Aunt for Mums

Problem Corner: Should I let my partner have a baby with someone else?

Agony Aunt for Mums
Agony Aunt for Mums

I received this very sad message from a Mum the other day.

Here is her question (you might want to not read this with anything in your mouth that you could spit out when choking).

Good day Lisa,

hope all is well with you and your family.

I just have a small problem?

My significant other wants to have a baby with another wommen, and wants all three of us to raise it.

You know that I’ve had chemo and radiation and six more months of preventive chemo, so what ever the treatments did took away my eggs and my menstrual.

I’m so weak in that department of men that I’m a little weak to throw him out! Im very upset and stressing about it, will u give me some advice? I know.I’m not on your pay roll and I apologize for that but will u help.me please.

 

My Answer (first the rant)

I hope and pray that me saying this will help you and that you will hear me.

KICK HIM OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!

Only a bully would suggest this to you at your lowest.

He is attempting to make you feel even worse.

He is NOT helping with your recovery.

There is something so twisted about this suggestion that he is very lucky that he lives in a different country to me, because quite frankly I would like to go out and buy an extra specially large frying pan and take it to him so many times that he is scared of kitchens for the rest of his life.

Although cancer has it’s causes in the environment and chemicals that we eat, there is undoubtedly a part to play with stress.  You have just had the all clear.  But seriously, how long do you think you would stay ‘all clear’ with this scenario?

 

My Second Answer (sorry got to be honest)

I’m pretty sure that this man is the reason why you lost contact with your daughters?  Am I right?

In that case he SHOULD NOT BE HAVING CHILDREN anyway.

Children are vulnerable and are there for us to protect.  In anyway helping this man bring a child into the world is just plain wrong.

You told me that you desperately wanted to get closer to your daughters and from what I’ve seen that is improving?  Does that make you feel better?

How do you think they will react to this idea?

I suggest that if you don’t throw him out, they are likely to throw you out.

If he was a decent man, who desperately suddenly realised he wanted children, he would now be suggesting adoption or surrogacy, not ANOTHER WOMAN.

Picture this:

At the end of your life, do you want your children there with you, loving you and wishing you would stay, or do you want him?  A man who has bullied, mistreated and abused you?

If you can get to the end of your life having broken the pattern of abuse, then you will have the right to be VERY proud of yourself, whatever else you do or don’t do with your life.  You will know that YOU did it.  You.  The scared and frightened YOU.  Managed something very difficult.

 

My Third Answer (being more practical)

Saying that, there are probably millions of women in your position, and it is not easy to leave or kick an abuser out.  I totally appreciate that.

However, you have friends, and you have family.  They will help you.

I’m afraid I don’t know much about the states, but I know that in the UK there are places that vulnerable women can go for shelter and help in your situation.  There must be something similar in the states.  All you have to do is ask, and I know that your twin will get onto google and find you somewhere.

 

My Fourth Answer (how to do it)

Right, lets give you some things to do to help you get in the right state of mind.

1) FACE THE FEAR: write down all the worst possible things that could happen.  At the moment you are just paralysed by the fear, you haven’t actually thought through what you think will happen if you leave him or kick him out.  You need to dig down into the fear and think ‘Ok, so this might happen, and that would lead to this and that would lead to this etc etc’.

2) Tackle your assumptions: for all the worst things have a look at them and think ‘will this really happen?’ (lots won’t), ‘if it does, will it be so bad, after all at least I will be free’.

3) Write 250 reasons why you are strong enough and will have a better life without him.  Again dig deep think ‘without him it means that <abc> will happen, which will mean that <qpr> will happen, which will mean that <xyz> will happen.

4) Write 250 reasons why you deserve to have a good life and BE ON YOUR OWN FOR A BIT.  You have very low self-esteem and a lot of guilt going on.  You need to look at this in more depth at some point and tackle your issues.  But in the meantime think about all the things you have managed, achieved and the people who love you.  Think about what you could do with your life.  Open your eyes lovely to the lives around you and realise that you could have such a life too.  You have good genes in you lovely; it’s time to make the most of them and get your gorgeousness out into the world!

5) I suspect that you think that he has done things for you, so you ‘owe’ him; he will make you feel as guilty as he can.  When he does that remember that he is MANIPULATING THE HELL OUT OF YOU!  For everything that you think he did/gave you, write down what he got in return from you, until you can see that you don’t owe him anything.

6) BEWARE jumping into a situation were you are reliant on someone else.  We aren’t looking for you to jump into any kind of ‘helpful’ or ‘rescuing’ relationship with someone else.  The objective is to build a strong, new you.

 

 

I know it is very easy to say all this.  But I hope with all my heart that you will hear it and believe me.

I’m sending you all the strength I can.

If you find the exercises difficult, then I know a certain person who looks just like you, with the same gorgeous freckles, who can get you through them on skype!

Keep in touch and let me know how you do.

(ooh and these books will help get you strong and deal with feeling down/depressed, plus you have my book don’t you – keep up the daily exercises)